It's me!

A long time no see, huh? (over a year, as a matter of fact).

Well, what an interesting couple months of ups and downs and new things and old things (boys included in that statement) and just so, so many emotions and revelations.

I'm trying to get into a healthy state of mind. At the moment, I'm bordering on numb and insane. Stuff hasn't been too bad or too good. But whenever it gets good, it soon turns bad, and vice versa.

I have a lot of fears, you know.

One of the most important things in the world to me is to be loved. Romantically, platonically, sisterly, what-have-you. It's just human nature; we crave love.

At the moment, I'm trying to pull myself out of a state of mind that has been telling me that I am unlovable. Nobody really, truly likes me. Nobody really wants me as a friend or lover. I mean, this is just one of many complexes, thinking that I'm not good enough to be loved. But it's a particularly deep one. I always think of myself as second best or second choice, in all fields.

Depression is a nasty thing, because once you get an idea in your head, not only does it stick there and grow even uglier, but it sprouts other rotten ideas, too. It's affected me in so many ways, and it's so hard to pull myself out of this. It's sprouted problem eating and negative thinking and sleepless nights and issues with any relationship I try to be in (though my stupid ass ruins quite a lot of relationships, now that I think about it).

I just recently broke up with another boyfriend. I couldn't handle someone that could barely handle himself and could never have a full understanding of who I am. I've realized that I'm dating right now in an attempt to fill some part of me up. It doesn't work. You still think about 'the old days', to be so cliché. As a matter of fact, it makes things worse. I just couldn't do it anymore. I have to love myself before I can even try to love someone else.

This may take a while…

It's very hard to love myself right now. I don't like the way I look. I think that guys think I'm stupid/childish/obnoxious/good for a five-minute thrill, and that they have no real interest in me. I think I'm incapable of making someone love me back. I hate my singing. I feel shirked by my friends. As a matter of fact, I keep getting a sneaking suspicion that I have no real friends. I'm just a third wheel. I'm a nothing nobody person.

Little by little, I'm tearing down each one.

The One-Act kinda made me feel better. As Justin said, when I doubt myself to the point of utter self-loathing, there's actual, physical proof that's sitting on my shelf of at least a shred of the talent I possess.

I'm tired of selling myself short to make up for my insecurities, as well as those of others.

I'm pretty goddamned talented in a lot of ways. There. I said it.

I can't keep counting myself as the person nobody wants or likes or as the person that's just there in case someone else can't do it.

Writing is my only relief anymore. Poetry, blogging, journals, stories...I vent through words even moreso than I do my singing or acting.

It's actually quite a coincidence that I'm playing Eliza Doolittle (of course, I don't actually believe in coincidence...). I've found bits of myself in every character, and I've found a message to be learned in each of them. I'm looking forward to the message in this role, because it seems like the Universe always has me play certain characters that will help me discover a great personal truth; it never fails. I already have found a great deal of myself in this character. The story almost perfectly reflects the events of late 2007 to the present. I vent through this character; her ups and downs and confrontations are wonderful ways to get a few choice words out when I can't actually say them to certain people. I feel like I'm about to have an epiphany soon that'll yank me out of my tailspin, and that question that I've been carrying around with me for 5 or 6 months will soon be answered in a kind of explosion.

Eventually, I'll be okay. I tell myself that all the time. There's got to be something good waiting for me in the end. I just have to motivate myself enough to get there.

That means staying alive.

Let's try and get as far as graduation, first.

Cheers, loves